I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My vagina is very pro this idea
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
