hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
