I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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