The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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