meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
