I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
