somebody snuck up and got me drunk
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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