Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
