I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
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We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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