I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
