Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
