I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
