It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
