Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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