yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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