Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
