I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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