she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
