so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
