the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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