me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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