Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
