I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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