Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
