I wish I could teleport
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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