I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
