my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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