Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
