I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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