i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
