just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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