I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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