i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
