Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
