Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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