whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
