Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
