walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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