nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
