I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.