Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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