mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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