I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
