You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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