Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
