I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
