why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
