You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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