Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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