So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
