Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
