I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
